This is the first draft of the treatment for my video “Meet the Phoenix Squad”. It’s a little rough around the edges, but I’m going to redraft it and then do some Gmod storyboards.

The film opens with a shot of the BLU’s spawn on the first leg of Goldrush. It’s the final few seconds of the pre-match countdown and the BLU team (made up of one Heavy, two Soldiers a Demoman and a Medic) are raring to go, shout battle cries and taunt. The RED team are nowhere to be seen. As the siren blares and the gates open the BLUs charge out towards the cart, apparently unchallenged. Their eyes forward they spin up their guns and ready their rocket launchers for the expected defensive push.

From the cliff edge to the right of the cart comes the sound of a demoman’s battle cry. The BLU team look up and around to see Toasty and Jason perched above them. As they open fire on it dawns on them that they’re standing ankle-deep in sticky bombs. Toasty detonates them, filling the air with giblets. The camera crash-zooms on his face and the words “Toasty - The Demoman” appear.

Jason (as a medic) hops down from the cliff edge and comes face to face with the one member of the BLUs to survive to blast - a Heavy. The glance and each other for a moment befor the the Heavy scampers away, pursued by a needlegun-wielding Jason. As the Heavy runs up the stairs and into the house, however, he runs smack into West, who finishes him with a bonesaw to the face. The two medics taunt over the Heavy’s corpse and the words “West and Jason - The Medics” appear.

Later in the match the BLUs have respawned and are pushing the cart much more cautiously than before. Seeing no REDs around they push forward a little more confidently when, out of nowhere comes a sudden barrage of Sniper fire. The BLU team attempt to take cover behind the cart, but the Sniper is firing off with unnerring pace and accuracy, taking down every BLU except for the Scout in the space of five seconds. The Scout is wild with paranoia having seen his teammates die right next him and is dodging and double-jumping around to throw off the Snipers aim. The Scout spot the Sniper looking out of the upper windows of the house next to the first point, and goes to try and take him out. He rushes through the doorway and up the stairs, turns to the right and sees the Sniper backed up against the wall, rifle in hand. Of course, the Scout open fire. After a few seconds however, it occurs to the Scout that his foe is a little more two-dimensional than he should be…

Just as the Scout realises he’s been wasting his ammo trying to kill a spray the real Sniper, standing on a rock by the BLU spawn, headshots him. The words, “Stephen III - The Sniper” appear.

Later still on Goldrush’s second leg an BLU Soldier and Medic are progressing smoothly towards the first checkpoint when three RED Soldiers and a Scout come into view. Naturally, the BLU Soldier fires a rocket at the Scout’s feet and he is sent high into the air, apparently killed. The three RED soldiers, outraged at the death of their comrade turn on the BLU team. The Medic pops his uber in an attempt to defend the Soldier who killed the Scout, but the RED soldiers fire just three rockets - one between the Medic and his patient, blowing them apart and severing the ubercharge bond, a second at the offending Soldier’s feet to launch him upwards, and a third (a crit rocket) to meet him in the air and blow him up. The Soldiers turn on the Medic and about to finish him off when screaming down through the sky comes the RED scout, bat in hand. He BONKs the surprised Medic in mid-fall, and he dies. The four REDs celebrate with taunts and the words “Mann, Count Max and Saint Carrot - The Soldiers” and “Zinc - The Scout” appear.

Their celebration is cut short by the arrival of the rest of the BLU team - a Heavy, a Pyro, a Demo and another Medic. The REDs are out of ammo and exhausted so they start to fall back. Luckily the RED Engies (Randdalf and Ifrit) have set up shop near the first capture point, so the Soldiers lead the BLU team into the path of their sentries. The BLUs take some damage so they hide around the corner and get healed up. While the RED Scout and Soldiers head back to the spawn, the Engies bunker down for a big attack. Around the corner, the BLUs are preparing an Ubercharge. Soon enough, they get ready to assault the sentries and take their positions. The Medic shouts “I am fully char-” and gets backstabbed by the RED spy who’d been disguised as a Pyro. The Heavy and the Demo spin around upon hearing their Medic’s cries… Spy had already cloaked. Deciding to attack the Sentries anyway, the two BLUs proceed around the corner. The Demo goes down fast leaving the Heavy alone, so he darts back around the corner and geads back to spawn to get healed a regroup with his team-mates. As he runs we see the Spy standing on his head uncloak and stab him. The words “Punjabi Fury - The Spy” appear.

The dead Heavy’s team-mates (two Medics and two Demos) arrive to take care of the sentries. they rush to corner at capture point A and are surprised to see just the one sentry. Naturally they make short work of it and continue pushing the cart. As they approach the checkpoint, however, they’re gunned down but the second sentry - hiding under the bridge. The two engies laugh and the words “Ifrit and Randdalf - The Engineers” appear.

The music fades out at this point.

The BLU Pyro is bored. He exits the spawn on the third leg of Goldrush and calls for his team-mates, but no-one answers. He wanders around a bit, then gets axed in the back of the head by the RED Pyro. The words “BreadHeadFred - The Pyro” appear.

The credits roll (these are not finalised yet).

Now I have to fit that into 3 minutes.

I have no ideas yet for the remaining squad members (Dash, Hung Donkeyman and MikeyTWolf as Demo, Heavy and the “No. 10″ respectively). Help me out?

I know it reads like fan-fiction, it’ll be better when you see it.

Contructive criticism welcome!

After messing about in After Effects for a while I’ve come up with this for the Phoenix Video.

OK, so it’s not much… but it was more of a learning experience really. I went from zero AE skills this morning to this as 11pm, so it’s some achievement, right?

…right?

EDIT: Hmph, no Vimeo embedding, eh? Whatev.

Another TF2 crossover video I found, this time with Assassin’s Creed. Doesn’t work quite as well as the Simpsons one, but it’s still good.

Gotta love the sniper at the end.

A funny little video of Simpsons clips remixed with TF2 dialog. It syncs up suprisingly well…

Thanks to MikeyTWolf for spotting this.

So I haven’t posted in the last few days, which is a long time for the interwebz. It’s due to a combination of things, mainly the fact that I have exams starting in a few weeks that I’ve been revising for. Also I’ve been spending most my comp time buried up to my neck in Source Recorder tutorials and unplayable demo files, worrying about framerates and other geeky stuff like that (more of that later).

This isn’t a post that has anything to say really, just that once my exams are over I’ll be back on form. Stuff I’ve got coming includes reviews of the Synergy and Jailbreak mods for Half-Life 2; in fact I’m thinking of making mod reviews a regular feature on here (not at all an idea stolen from Chris Livingston’s “The Demoman”). Since mods are always in development, I’ll keep track of a few at a time and post any interesting changes up here. Any potential title ideas? By the way, I’d appreciate any help people want to give in terms of playing the mods with me, especially Synergy as it’s all about co-op.

Something else interesting I found the other day is FakeFactory & Ogg’s High Resolution Pack for Half-Life 2. It replaces most of the textures in-game to higher resolution versions, that actually make it look a lot better. For a free little package it adds a surprising amount to the game, for one thing the incentive to go back and replay it and be reminded of it’s amazingness. Only minor gripe I have is that the new texture changes the faces of some of the characters. Of course, that’s the point, kinda, and most look similar enough to not be annoying. With any other game this wouldn’t be a problem in the slightest, but in Half-Life 2, a game whose characters have such expressive facial animation and developed personalities that you genuinely feel a connection to them, it’s a little unsettling. That’s all.

Old and new Barney comparison:

Ok, so they really aren’t that different. Whatever.

On a side note, the new Vortigaunt skin textures are lovely:

Moving on, I’m in the process of creating a video for my squad CP-Phoenix. It initially was going to be just footage from one scrimmage back in April, us vs “1337 a55 pwnrz” (stupid name I know, we whupped them thoroughly), but I’ve decided to take footage from any forthcoming scrims and stick it together to showcase the squad’s MAD SKILLZORS. Ahem.

I’ve been getting frustrated by the fact that whenever TF2 updates the old demo files become unplayable, and as such I can’t capture any footage from them. It’s kind of learning experience though because I’ve had to learn the ins and outs of demos, and how to use source recorder and VirtualDub, not to mention a chance to get to grips with my new editing software. The video should be finished some time between now and death, and of course I’ll post up here about it, as well as on the Control Point forums. Believe me, I’ll want to pimp it out as much as possible

That’s about it for now. If this blog interests you then the only sensible thing to do is keep hitting f5 over and over and over and over and over and over again until I update. You know it makes sense.

As you may have heard, there been a bit of a hoo-ha over the American remake of Spaced.

For those of you who don’t know the context I’ll fill you in: Spaced was a sitcom that appeared on Channel 4 in 1999 and 2001. It was written by and starred Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson (now Hynes) and was directed by Edgar Wright, who went on to make Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz with Simon and Nick Frost (also a cast member). I could wax on for hours about it’s influence on modern sitcoms, it’s hilarious and wonderful characters, it’s superb direction… but I won’t. It’s just very, very good. Watch it. I’m serious.

Anyway, plans were made a while back to remake the programme in the US. This is saddening, not to mention pointless, but not actually surprising. Spaced is so good that it was only a matter of time before someone saw it’s potential to be put through the wringer, altered beyond recognition and prostituted to Americans in fruitless attempt to recreate the magic of the original.

It has been appropriately nickednamed McSpaced by the internet.

The fuss that’s being made is due to the fact that none, I repeat, none of the original production members were contacted for their input, approval or even thoughts on the project. They were not aware of it until it was annouced to the public. Of course, it wasn’t strictly necessary. Not strictly. The rights were not owned by Edgar, Jessica or Simon, of course. It’s just common courtesy.

Basically, Simon Pegg wrote a big post about it on his fansite, ad he can express what’s going on much more eloquently that I, so I’ll just copy/paste it here:

I had hoped I would only have to do this once. Despite, feeling extremely disgruntled by the whole affair, I never wanted the issue of the Spaced remake to turn into a public slanging match. I intended my original statement to be a definitive outline of my position on the whole thing. I have hardly mentioned it publicly since, with the exception of a few interviews during my Run Fat Boy Run press when I was drawn into discussing the subject, most notably on EW.Com. These few occasions are negligible compared to the amount of times I have deflected the issue toward my original comments. The Observer Newspaper in the UK chased me for an interview which I did not give. They ran the article anyway, using passages from my statement, in lieu of exclusive content. However after comments made on Hollywood Deadline by someone who may or may not have been Robert Green from Granada USA, I feel I should respond to the criticism leveled at me personally, as an emitter of “bullshit”. The post insists that we have been repeatedly “reached out” to and have petulantly rebuffed their attempts at communication like spoilt children. For the record these attempts to reach out were only ever made after the announcement in the trades and indeed after production had started on the pilot episode. That we are being blasted for not accepting these attempts at communication so long after the damage had been done is ludicrous. I don’t think I can put it better than Sarah, a poster over on the Hollywood Deadline talk back.

“Green’s comments are akin to taking a shit on someone’s doorstep,
then getting all hurt and aggressive because the owner of the house not
only complains but also doesn’t help clean up the mess.“

The incredibly offensive insinuation that those who have expressed their sympathy and concern are cum gargling “idiots” represents extraordinarily misguided aggression by the the poster, whether it be Robert Green or not. The internet, with the establishing of Spaced-Out.org.uk and latterly Peggster.net, Frostitution.net, Edgarwright.co.uk, Jessicahynes.co.uk and others, have been largely responsible for bringing together a huge international community of Spaced fans, many of them in areas where the show isn’t even available on domestic DVD. The defensive response to this situation has been amazing. At best it has been hugely empathetic, light hearted and heartfelt, at worst it has engendered unseemly anti-Americanism, from narrow minded people who equate US television with poor quality, inexplicably failing to recognize the sheer historical weight of outstanding American televisual output, which I for one, consume avidly and with a sloppy chin. Despite the latter’s unwelcome presence in our corner, the support from you “website idiots” has been extremely touching, to say the least.

Edgar has had a conversation with McG. I have phoned him a few times and to be fair, he has returned my calls, but after missing each other several times and the ball once again in my court, the wind has somewhat disappeared from my sails. I’m not sure what I have to say or indeed what can be said at this stage. The fact is, the Spaced remake went into production without our knowledge and that was upsetting. It is as simple as that. Now we are being criticized by the perpetrators of that upset for expressing regret. Even now, there has been no apology, only excuses.

This issue has only ever been about courtesy, never about money or credit. Also, how can anyone claim that Spaced is something we want left in the past, when we have spent the last few years trying to secure the release of the DVD in North America, Canada and other territories and the last few months compiling new artwork and commentaries to give the release some extra Spaced specialness. Also, despite time and circumstance conspiring against us, we have never categorically ruled out the possibility of more. Tim, Daisy, Mike, Brian, Twist, Marsha and Colin all have destinies locked in mine and Jess’s collective grey matter, who’s to say they won’t some day be played out.

If you’ve skipped to the end, here’s the simple summation. Somebody stamps on your foot then complains when you say ‘ouch’? To adopt a little “website idiot” parlance, WTF?

Simon Pegg

I’ll continue to post up stuff about McSpaced whenever anything happens, and I’ll probably review it when It’s out, if I can watch it on the internet somewhere.

In the meantime, remember: Say No To McSpaced!

So, TF2 was patched. As you probably know. It’s already been discussed on many good blogs.

New medic weapons and achievements, a new map, and most importantly new melee weapon animations. Now you can do a double-handed kukri swing!

I’m not going to copy/paste all the details, but they’re all on the Steam news page for your perusal.

I actually really enjoy Goldrush. It has a Dustbowly quality that appeals to me. And the new achievements are awesome. At first it was possible to unlock them with console commands, but Valve patched that after a few hours. Good thing too, I was getting sick of there being a cacophony of celebration sounds every six seconds.

But Gold Rush, yeah. It is Gold Rush, not Goldrush. I like it. I was especially impressed by how Valve incorporated Ep2’s cinematic physics into the end of the map. When the bomb reaches the end it falls into a pit and explodes, pretty awesomely too.

However most of my post-update playtime was spent grinding for medic achievements, which personally I don’t have a problem with because it actually takes a lot of effort. Not least trying to get people to co-operate. There’s one achievement to heal 10,000 points in one life, and I heard many a groan of anguish as someone was inadvertantly bonesaw’d at 9800.

After about 4/5 hours total play I have the Ubersaw and I feel… meh. I realise that I didn’t want the weapons for their usefulness as much as just fulfilling my completist needs. Which sucks, really, because that’s not the goal. And I am really a completist. I can’t think of a game I’ve played that I haven’t made a concerted effort to reach 100%.

Madlep seems very angry with Valve for making people do achievements to unlock the weapons, and to some extent I agree with him. I’m kind of torn between my desire to unlock everything (I’m glad I don’t own an Xbox 360, or I’d spend all my time getting achievements), and the fact that, as a PC gamer, I’m used to free, no-strings-attached content updates and I don’t appreciate having to make extra effort to get things that should be mine.

The upshot is that even if Valve continue with this achievements for unlocks system, I’ll still keep grinding despite my previous reservations, just because I have a strange need to 100% complete games.

To be honest, I shouldn’t begrduge Valve the props they deserve for this update because a whole lot of work has gone into it, and it’s natural that not everyone will be pleased - that would be impossible. Whenever I have a minor gripe with Valve, I just remind myself that they’re not EA: they do care about their product and it’s community.

So I’ve made up my mind: I like this update. And Valve. And TF2. Obviously.

A little side note: I like the fact that the Ubersaw fills up with team-coloured gunk when you’re ubercharge is charged. A nice touch.

So I was browsing my bookmarks and came across this. I can’t actually remember how I found it in the first place, but I remembered how much fun it was. It’s a little nondescipt webpage that generates names for video game (as you might expect). It’s strangely moreish, as it provides minor amusement with minimum effort.

Here’s a list of some of the best ones it came up with within minute or five of clicking:

- Tony Hawk’s Quiz Gladiator

- Brain-Damaged Beast Babies

- Drug-Induced Kart Wars

- Obsessive-Compulsive Chicken Stars

- Blasphemous Octopus Palace

- Bewildering Manlove Legends

- Star Trek Wheelchair Choreographer

- Aero Sushi - Hot Pursuit.

The list goes on.

It’s probably old news for a lot of people, but I thought I’d post it up anyway.

I’m off to play Blasphemous Octopus Palace.

EDIT: Oh, the best one yet: Everyone Loves The Horse Racing Expert.

Edgar Wright announced on his blog the other day that a new Spaced DVD boxset will be coming to North America this July, with new commentaries! Excited! I as a massive spaced fan, I can’t wait for this.

From the blog:

“Patton (Oswalt) just did 3 commentaries with me on Tuesday for the new SPACED DVD - hitting North America this July.

Also featuring on the commentary tracks along with me, Simon and Jessica are Quentin Tarantino, Matt Stone, Kevin Smith, Bill Hader and one Diablo Cody.

That’s some line up.

The new DVD will feature all 14 episodes with no music changes (!), all the extras from the UK 3 disc set, plus a great video of our NFT SPACED marathon. And new artwork from Jim Murray.”

Ossim.

Never saw Juno, opinions on it? Might be worth a rental I guess.

Only gripe is that it’s Region 1, so I’ll have to import, which makes me a less than joyful bear of the Ailuropoda Melanoleuca persuasion.

Hmmmm, I hope my laptop can play Region 1s. I’ll have to check that.

Anyway, exciting!

I went to see One Missed Call the other day, so I thought a review would be in order. First one! Yay! So…

Oh man, where to start.

*breaks out thesaurus*

The second worst film I’ve seen this year.

A hackneyed, laughable, shambling mess of a film. Doesn’t so much borrow from Ringu-type films as rape, pillage and fire to the place on the way out. The characters less than one dimensional, the plot elements stilted, the ending so ludicrous it makes you despair.

…

You know what, I can’t even be bothered to waste any energy reviewing this film. I just can’t articulate my digust well enough.

Ok, how about this instead: Punjabi Fury’s film/filmmaker ratings™ out of 10, 10 being the highest.

WARNING! The following are my personal opinions. So just as a disclaimer…

Hehe, I made that in about a second. I made it once, saved it, uploaded and everything, then realised it said “falme.” Aggravation. Anyway…

10 - Some Scorcese. Kubrick. Hitchcock. See, you know they’re good because they’ve earned the right to be referred to by their last names.I’m not just flow-going with, I genuinely think they’re good directors.

-Raging Bull/Taxi Driver? Good.

-2001/Dr Strangelove? Good.

-North by Northwest/Vertigo/Psycho? Good.

See? I also have a soft spot for Edgar Wright. Shaun of the Dead gets 11/10.

Ah, ok back on track:

9 - Sam Raimi (Evil Dead days), The Coen Brothers.

8 - Gus Van Sant, Lasse Hallström.

7 - David Fincher, Luc Besson (I don’t count The Fifth Element).

6 - Quentin Tarantino

5 - The Wachowski Brothers, apart from the first Matrix.

4 - Steven Spielberg. YES I SAID IT.

3 - Michael Bay.

2 - The guys that made Scary Movie.

1 - Uwe Boll.

0 - Whoever made One Missed Call, I don’t even want to know.

That sums it up nicely.

Oh and:

She dies, obviously. And thank God.

And by the way, the worst film I’ve seen this month is 10,000 BC.

Don’t even get me started.